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Wednesday, 28 January 2015

FRIENDSHIP DIARY- FEAR PREVAILS AND DEFEATS LOVE


 I walked out of her house without looking at her, deeply hurt with her words and wounded by her actions. I didn’t want her to see my tears. I never wanted her to know she had hurt me, such was my ego. May be she was hurt too only if I had turned back and seen. 

I went away and as I reached my home, I got her message,
“ I will never forget the way, you walked out of my house
We will never meet….now…never ever again..bye”

Her message crushed me to core and pierced my heart.  I felt like throwing away my phone but then I controlled my emotions .

She feared that like her ex, I will break her trust and she without asking me anything assumed that I had broken her trust

I feared that like my ex, she will leave me without any reason, I assumed that she would do the same and her message confirmed my fears. I texted her,” ok, we won’t meet, ever again…bye take care….stay happy…stay blessed..”

I never got the guts to ask her  the reason or to dig into her heart to know what she felt.

I walked away on her and that moment her fears came true….

She texted me, never to meet me again and that moment my fears came true…


And  once again fear won over love….

Saturday, 24 January 2015

FRIENDSHIP DIARY- SHE WAS A GOOD FRIEND BUT THEN WE KISSED....


I was there sitting at her house, talking to her.  We were good friends, very good friends, and just to confirm that we are friends and not lovers, let me tell you two things, so that you have no doubt about our relation :-
S    1)She was standing at her gate waiting for me, wearing a tshirt and pyjama and no makeup. And above that she was wearing a weird sweater. If I had been her boyfriend, she would have wore something sexy isn’t it.
2      2) Her hairs were shabby, even though she had made a pony and looking at her, I could make out, she hadn’t taken a shower . I also thought, shit why did I take a bath in this cold weather. If she had been my girlfriend, atleast she should have cared to take a shower.
Ok, coming back to the story, so she was sweet, simple and cute. Her smile was her best asset that reflected her innocence, I liked her. even though she was a bit weird, did things that were beyond my understandings but she was a good human being and cared for people around her. couple of days ago, I had a fight with her and she decided we part ways but then after two days, we realized we should talk and solve our differences. So I was there sitting with her, resolving our differences and once everything was sorted out. We were our normal self once again and began cracking jokes on each other, pulling each other’s leg. That’s when she said,” I got a haircut”. She sat beside me and showed me her pony. I asked her to untie her pony and let loose her hairs. She said,” no way, I am not gonna untie it”. I said,” ok then I will do that for you”  and saying that I untied her pony and her hairs fell down, like curtains do on stage when a particular act gets over. Her hairs were shabby and I took the pleasure of arranging them, putting those orphaned strands of hairs behind her ears was a temptation too big to resist. I had started getting an erection and the size of my manhood increased as I kept playing with her hairs. The situation was getting tense with each passing moment and that was when she said,” give my rubber band back”. I said no, you look beautiful when you let your hairs go free. She shot back and said,” keep your romantic thoughts with you, I need my rubber band” and put her palm forward. I took her palm in my hand and squeezed it. I looked at her and our eyes met,  with a husky voice she asked,” what are you doing”. I said, nothing and pushed those strands of hair to the back of her ear. Her cheek were staring at me, inviting me to kiss them. I couldn’t resist and gave a peck, she closed her eyes and i followed it with more pecks on her neck, her ears, her nose and her lips. She moaned and whispered,” hey what are you doing, leave me naa”. I continued and reached the back of her neck, pushed her hairs aside and planted a kiss there, she moaned . I rubbed her lips and we kissed each other, our kiss was an Indian version of French kiss. I then explored her neck and smooched her passionately.  I went down further down and that was when she stopped me, what are you doing, leave me, saying this she pushed me aside, stood up and walked away to her bedroom. I was stunned but was happy about what had happened, I was filled with joy and I was smiling, smiling like a teenager who had kissed someone for the first time.
I was sitting there, thinking about what had happened some moments ago. She came back and sat in front of me. I looked at her and I noticed she was not looking at me, she sat there staring at the floor and hitting her legs on the table. I got a bit confused and asked her,” hey what happened, you ok”. She said with a lot of sadness in her voice,” yes I am fine”. She was still looking down, not ready to look at me. I said,” hey look at me and talk”. She refused and said,” I don’t want to”. I said,” why, you angry with me”. She said,” yes very much”. I said,” why, what did I do”. She gave me an intense stare and said,” what happened few minutes ago, don’t you remember that”.  What she said, gave me a minor heart attack.  I felt like someone who accidentally had sex with his gf and she was crying, like why did you do this to me and all that stuff  that happens in bollywood movies. I said,” look I don’t know what’s the matter with you and why  you are behaving like this because I am not feeling bad about what happened, infact I am feeling good, very good….i am feeling so happy you know”.  She was like, what, you are mad, totally mad, you say a word more and I am gonna kill you.  She took a pillow and throwed at me.

I throwed a pillow on her in retaliation, I thought she would start a pillow fight but instead she put the pillow aside and sat their depressed and unhappy.  I really didn’t knew what to do, she was still staring on the floor,  so I knelt down and tried to look at her but she asked me to stand up and go back to my place. Now deep within, my blood was getting warmer and warmer but I tried to keep my calm. I was looking at her and at that very moment, she looked at me and our eyes met and I gave her a broad smile. Don’t look at me like this, she said and moved her eyes away from me. I went and sat beside her, she turned her face, and sat in a way that her back was facing me. she started playing with a teddy bear that was lying near her. I said, so you have decided, that you are not going to look at me. she said,” yes I am not going to look at you….never…”. Ok then, I sighed, with my fingers I started walking like a spider on her back. She reacted, hey stop that, it tickles and slapped me hard on my fingers. She was sitting quite close to me and I had started developing an erection again. I started writing her name and my name on her back with my fingers. I could hear her breathing getting high and my heart was pumping blood towards my genitals. The back of her neck was staring at me, inviting me to kiss her again. I pushed aside her hairs, and kissed her there. She moaned, and I continued exploring her neck.  With my right hand I caught her by her waist and my left hand was fondling her boobs. The moans increased and so was the passion. I slid my hands inside her t-shirt and felt her naked body, her navel , my hands went upwards and I slid my fingers inside her bra and felt her nipples. My fingers were exploring her body and my lips were exploring her neck, i pushed her a bit backwards and I ascended on her, kissing her forehead, her nose and then we deeply kissed each other that lasted till we ran out of breathe, I went down and smooched her neck and as I went further down. I don’t know what happened but something stopped us. I just stopped there staring at her and she too came back to her senses.  

We were looking at each other, I came forward to kiss her again but she stopped me. She arranged herself and walked past me and went to the kitchen. I sat there blank faced, this time I was serious and had no idea what was going on. I simply couldn’t understand the immense attraction, I had started developing for her. I sat there quite and silent and had no idea, how to react towards her. My brain had gone numb, there was silence and then she said, say something, what’s the matter with you. I said, can you get me a glass of water ? . she said, ok. I quenched my thirst and we were again back to staring at each other. She got irritated and said,” say something or else I start doing my work”. I said,” I have nothing to say, even you can say something. She said,” you always complain that I speak a lot, so  I give you a chance to speak your heart out.  I couldn’t understand  what had happened to her suddenly, I looked into her eyes and there was a satanic expression. A look that told me that she wanted to punish me, I said,” hey check your face in the mirror, its glowing”. She said, I am not looking anywhere , she said, she was walking around her house like a restless child. As I removed my eyes from her, she just checked herself in the mirror and I caught her doing that and asked her, so sweetheart did you see the glow on your face. She punched me and said, “ get lost” and gave me a light hearted smile.

She took me to her drawing room , I saw a large framed family photo that was hanging on the wall. She was standing with her Parents and I must say, uncle looked handsome, aunty looked beautiful and in between was standing their beautiful daughter, I remembered she once had told me, that she wanted her husband to be like her dad. Seeing him, I remembered her words and those heroic tales she used to tell me about her dad. My dad this, my dad did that, he is the best person , he is so innocent and what not.  With her mother her relationship were not that pleasing as it was with her dad. She was her daddy’s daughter. She then opened her desktop and showed me some clicks with her cousins and relatives.  I took her right hand in my hands and it was cold and soft. I caressed them , she gave a jolt and drawed her hand back and said, why are you holding my hand, you are not my boyfriend. I was a bit embarrassed and confessed,  ya true, I am not your boyfriend. She shot back, then what happened between us, why did it happen. I was stunned and was taken aback, I said, now how do I tell you that. You can, you have to, she said with a commanding tone. I don’t have words to explain, I need time to think, I said. She said, its 2.30 now, I give you half an hour and I hope it is enough for you to come up with an answer, till then I will complete my household work. I was confused and didn’t knew what to say, i followed her to her kitchen, she looked at me and started nagging, I have to sweep the house, arrange all the utensils and put the clothes back in the almirah and because of you all of it is pending, My mother will kill me. I was shocked when I heard what she said and I asked,  what because of me, what did I do. She looked at me with a scorn on her face and I understood what she meant. I offered her my help, she said no need, I will do it myself. I still kept insisting and she finally gave up and asked me to fold those bedsheets lying on her bed. I started folding and that’s when she came towards me and with a sarcasm in her tone said, so is this how you fold a bedsheet, leave it , I will do it. I stood there looking at her, once she was done. she looked at me with a grin on her face . I said,” what”. She said,” so you ready with your answer. I tried toavoid her question but she sticked to it. I said, now how do any one answer that, and why should I answer that, even you can do that, why did it happen, you tell me. She shot back, I asked you first and why would I answer you, I tried to stop you, but you didn’t. i didn’t knew why but I started blushing hearing this and gave her a smile. Don’t look at me like this, I will kill you now. I need an answer, to this. You know what I really need to stay away from you for a few days, otherwise you will become a habit. I looked at her stunned and what she said angered me to the core but I calmed myself. She turned back to go and I gave a tight slap on her ass, she turned back in shock and said, How dare you, I replied because you said, you need to stay away from me, this is a small punishment. She slapped me back on my cheeks, now I will make sure that I stay away from you. I tried to hug her but she pushed me back and said answer my question.  I didn’t knew what to say and then thought for a while. I said, ok sit down, I will explain it to you, no need I am ok standing here. I said, either you sit down or else forget about me answering this to you. Like a obedient child, she went and sat on a sofa. I sat infront of her and looked at her, she was looking down avoiding an eye contact with me.

 I stammered at first but then began, “ look if I put it in simple words, I got attracted towards you and I couldn’t stop myself”. “Oh so if you get attracted towards any random girl, you will do the same with her”, she asked. She was on fire and wanted to burn me with her questions. I defended myself, common why would I do that with any random girl, I have good self control on myself.  She said,” ohh really, don’t tell me, I saw your self control some hours ago”. I shot back, “ may be because you were a temptation too difficult to resist”. She looked at me and I could see her expressions changing, she was blushing but then she looked down and said,” ok continue with what you were saying”. So I said, look, when I met you first, I had told you , that there are different levels in a relation, the first level is friendship and may be we have crossed that first level . I really don’t feel guilty about it. What happened will remain one of the most beautiful moments of my life and I won’t regret it ever. How you take it, I don’t know but for me it was a great day. When I came here, I didn’t expect something like this to happen but may be it did because it was destined to be. I continued, what happened is not a problem, if it happens continuously, then it is a problem and you are right, we actually must stay away from each other before we become addicted to each other. At that very moment, she looked at me and said, enough. I don’t know why, but there was heaviness in her voice and saying this she ran towards her kitchen. I asked her what happened but she didn’t reply. When she came back, she came near me and as she came close, she gave me a slap, a tight one. I pinched her waist in retaliation and said, it hurt me. She gave me a wicked smile and I was puzzled with what was going in her mind. She whispered,” I just felt like slapping you”.
Now that her question hour was over, we started playing tug of hour with our hands, we caught each other’s hands and the rules were,
1     1) I had to pull her towards myself to win
2    2) She just had to rescue her hand from my clutches.

I won 4 times and she just won once. Her hands had become red by now, she wanted to continue but I asked her to stop and suggested her to dance with me. She refused but still I asked her again and this time, she asked, you want to dance, what for. I said, I have a mood to, that’s why. She blatantly refused and said, I am not here to fulfill all your demands. i understood arguing her with her was of no use, she was out of her mind, stupid, dumb, idiot…all adjectives would be less for her. i saw a beautiful scenery hanging on her wall, I went close to see it. I was examining it and that very moment she came from behind and forcefully pulled the hood of my jacket on my head. I caught her hand and pulled her towards me and now that her hands were in mine. I said, now let’s dance. She said, what, you must be crazy. I said, yes I am and started doing salsa with her. even though I didn’t knew even the S of salsa neither the D of dance. Neither did she, but we tried, tried to match our steps.  As I danced with her,  we came quite close, her smell was intoxicating , I could feel her breathe. I pulled her towards myself and hugged her tightly. We began smooching each other , with every kiss, we were moving one step from the hall towards her bedroom.  We kept kissing each other,and as we were busy loving each other, we fell on the bed lying in her bedroom and with that fall, we fell down deeper into the well of passion and love, this time the kisses became wild and passionate. Lust made our bodies burn and we were feeling hot, I caressed her hairs as she had her eyes closed, I kissed her forehead, her nose, her lips and went down and pulled her top upwards and kissed her navel, I went upwards and slid her bra and sucked her left nipple, pressing her right boob.  The moment was intense and wild. The intensity increased so did her moans. I pressed her waist as I explored her neck. I was lost in that moment but deep within I was aware that I didn’t wanted to end up having sex with her. I didn’t want it to happen…I don’t know why but I didn’t want it to….because may be I didn’t want to ruin our relationship, I didn’t want to ruin her. Deep within, I liked her as a person, she was one of the loveliest human beings I ever met and I didn’t want things to complicate between us.  Now many would say, if you cared so much, then you should not have kissed her in first place, to all those saints, I would say,” IT IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE”.  as I kept kissing her, my manhood was increasing in size, I was about to cum and I understood that, because I hadn’t masturbated for a long time and had no intimacy with any girl for past one year, I had no idea how to control myself from ejaculating into my jeans but then I reached my climax and cummed into my jeans. I couldn’t stop myself , no one could, may be I would get better with time. I continued kissing her and after sometime slowed down and with a kiss on her forehead, I ended it. I took her hands and lifted her up, covered her and sat beside her. I was sweating, so I switched on the fan. As we sat there, no words were spoken. There was a weird silence between both of us,i didn’t knew what to say. She stood up and walked and stood there near the corner of the wall, her eyes closed. I came near her but didn’t knew what to say, so I kept quiet. We stood there for a while, it was time for me to go but I didn’t knew how to say it.i gathered some guts and finally said, I need to go now. She said,” ok”.  She accompanied me till the gate, and when I looked at her, there was a glow on her face, a glow of a different kind, a look of contentment and happiness. She looked much beautiful than she did in the morning and strands of hair hanging on her face made her look more gracious. I finally said my parting words, ok then take care of yourself and meet you soon and bid her good bye. I gave her a smile and she smiled at me.


As I was on my way back home, I recalled all the events that happened and the recap bought a smile on my face. I exactly don’t know what transpired between us but may be because she was going through a breakup phase and I too was going through the same, we both were alone and may be needed each other . I felt good and happy after a long time, I had become a loner and had become bitter towards women but she took me out of my shell. Sometimes intimacy does magic on you, isn’t it. at the end of the day, we all need love. We all are a love craving species……….as I reached home…I checked myself in the mirror, even my face was glowing and I was looking more handsome than I did……..Muaaaah….just love her……Thank you girl….you are a blessing…

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

FRIENDSHIP DIARY- SHE WAS A GOOD FRIEND BUT THEN WE KISSED (1)


I was there sitting at her house, talking to her.  We were good friends, very good friends, and just to confirm that we are friends and not lovers, let me tell you two things, so that you have no doubt about our relation :-

1      1) She was standing at her gate waiting for me, wearing a tshirt and pyjama and no makeup. And above that she was wearing a weird sweater. If I had been her boyfriend, she would have wore something sexy isn’t it.
2      2) Her hairs were shabby, even though she had made a pony and looking at her, I could make out, she hadn’t taken a shower . I also thought, shit why did I take a bath in this cold weather. If she had been my girlfriend, atleast she should have cared to take a shower.

Ok, coming back to the story, so she was sweet, simple and cute. Her smile was her best asset that reflected her innocence, I liked her. even though she was a bit weird, did things that were beyond my understandings but she was a good human being and cared for people around her. couple of days ago, I had a fight with her and she decided we part ways but then after two days, we realized we should talk and solve our differences. So I was there sitting with her, resolving our differences and once everything was sorted out. We were our normal self once again and began cracking jokes on each other, pulling each other’s leg. That’s when she said,” I got a haircut”. She sat beside me and showed me her pony. I asked her to untie her pony and let loose her hairs. She said,” no way, I am not gonna untie it”. I said,” ok then I will do that for you”  and saying that I untied her pony and her hairs fell down, like curtains do on stage when a particular act gets over. Her hairs were shabby and I took the pleasure of arranging them, putting those orphaned strands of hairs behind her ears was a temptation too big to resist. I had started getting an erection and the size of my manhood increased as I kept playing with her hairs. The situation was getting tense with each passing moment and that was when she said,” give my rubber band back”. I said no, you look beautiful when you let your hairs go free. She shot back and said,” keep your romantic thoughts with you, I need my rubber band” and put her palm forward. I took her palm in my hand and squeezed it. I looked at her and our eyes met,  with a husky voice she asked,” what are you doing”. I said, nothing and pushed those strands of hair to the back of her ear. Her cheek were staring at me, inviting me to kiss them. I couldn’t resist and gave a peck, she closed her eyes and i followed it with more pecks on her neck, her ears, her nose and her lips. She moaned and whispered,” hey what are you doing, leave me naa”. I continued and reached the back of her neck, pushed her hairs aside and planted a kiss there, she moaned . I rubbed her lips and we kissed each other, our kiss was an Indian version of French kiss. I then explored her neck and smooched her passionately.  I went down further down and that was when she stopped me, what are you doing, leave me, saying this she pushed me aside, stood up and walked away to her bedroom. I was stunned but was happy about what had happened, I was filled with joy and I was smiling, smiling like a teenager who had kissed someone for the first time.


I was sitting there, thinking about what had happened some moments ago. She came back and sat in front of me. I looked at her and I noticed she was not looking at me, she sat there staring at the floor and hitting her legs on the table. I got a bit confused and asked her,” hey what happened, you ok”. She said with a lot of sadness in her voice,” yes I am fine”. She was still looking down, not ready to look at me. I said,” hey look at me and talk”. She refused and said,” I don’t want to”. I said,” why, you angry with me”. She said,” yes very much”. I said,” why, what did I do”. She gave me an intense stare and said,” what happened few minutes ago, don’t you remember that”.  What she said, gave me a minor heart attack.  I felt like someone who accidentally had sex with his gf and she was crying, like why did you do this to me and all that stuff  that happens in bollywood movies. I said,” look I don’t know what’s the matter with you and why  you are behaving like this because I am not feeling bad about what happened, infact I am feeling good, very good….i am feeling so happy you know”.  She was like, what, you are mad, totally mad, you say a word more and I am gonna kill you.  She took a pill and throwed at me……….TO BE CONTINUED 

Monday, 19 January 2015

FRIENDSHIP DIARY-RANTINGS OF A HURT SOUL


I feel so crushed, so disappointed, so bad, so weird, so sick. Friendship is not good at all times. People at times let you down. I am fed up of all those betrayals and backstabs and I feel like breaking all the relations at once and shut the doors of my heart. Its so difficult to trust people, its so difficult to love them and embrace them with all their mistakes. No matter whatever good we do, if someone has to hurt us, they will. People come into our lives on their will and leave us on their will, we have no say in their choices. They will treat you as they want. life is unfair, I am saying this because it actually is. There are so many hypocrites out there, who would come to you, and say, I trust you…never break my trust, you know…..many have broken my trust before…I hope you don’t…if you do…I won’t trust anyone ever in my life…please hold my hand…I need you and this same so called innocent souls, break you down one day…leave you without giving you a reason. They never would once think, that we were good friends, had shared some good moments, had long conversations and I atleast deserve a reason…an explanation. I become a fool here…an emotional fool. People come and play football, cricket, basketball and volleyball with my emotions .


Now many would say, chill buddy its life and you have to face it, you cannot complain. Don’t anyone dare give this valuable suggestion to me. I am totally crushed, I am groaning in pain and tears are overflowing from the veins of my eyes. I cannot go on cracking jokes,  charming people with my stupid sense of humour. I cannot go on with these wounds inflicted by people who were once so close to my heart. I cannot go on faking my smile and controlling my tears before depression breaks me down.  i need to get healed….i need some cure…… a saturation point has reached…I need to lock myself and let my emotions flow down…I need to cry and let those feelings out before they destroy me….and if they do.....i will seek revenge....

And if someone gets hurt reading this...i really intend to do that...that's my sole motive...

Saturday, 17 January 2015




A small sunshine is all I need,
To destroy the pale shadows,
Of my past,
A small peck on my cheeks,
Is all I need,
To forget those long kisses on my lips,
I am getting over her,
with each passing day,
feeling better with each moment,
passing by
It took months to get healed,
Of all her love bites, of all those wounds,
She gave me,
Now there remains some faint memories,
That haunt me,
Those pale shadows of the past,
A small sunshine is all I need,
To destroy the pale shadows,
Of my past,

Wednesday, 14 January 2015

MY FRIEND, HER CONCERN AND CARNAL SIN

Few days ago, I had written a story “CARNAL SIN”, the story was a surprise for my readers and I got some really good compliments for it.

http://issacwrites.blogspot.com/2015/01/carnal-sin.html

The story was heavily inspired from chapter 9 of the novel “ are you afraid of the dark” by Sidney Sheldon. One of the messages, I got was from a  very dear friend of mine. I thought of writing about it because of the sheer innocence it had, the concern a girl has for her own future…her expectation. Her question bought a smile on my face.

She texted me,” Izzy, your story left me speechless”. I thought may be she liked it a lot, so asked her,” did you like it”. She said,” not at all, after reading it, I was shocked”. I asked her,”why what happened”. She said,” everything was going on so well in her life, she finally got a guy who loved her and this is how he treated her,  it was all so nice, so good, but then what happened after that, it was disgusting….how could a guy do something like that, how could he… is this story a real one”. I was surprised at the way she was saying and said,” chill yaar, it’s just a piece of dark humour”. She said,” I know, but still I felt pangs of fear after reading it”. I was laughing by now but felt happy within that atleast what I wrote touched someone and that too so deeply”.

She then said,” how do a woman trust a man these days, it has become so difficult to trust someone”.

I said sarcastically ,” even we men cannot trust women these days”.

She reciprocated,” shut up”.

I then said,” see in life, you will have to one day trust someone, take risks…..because you will have to….its life…we all have to take our chances….living in fear won’t help…we all have to fall in love one day…”

She just replied a hmmmmm….

I said,” don’t worry girl, you will get a loving and caring husband”.

She said,” hope so”.

I said,” Jesus always says Ask and you shall receive”.

She again replied with a hmmmmm….

I thought for a while..



And said…if you don’t just remember…if no one loves you…there is Jesus…he is always there to love you…..to care for you…..

And she then send a smiling face........


THE END….



Monday, 12 January 2015

YOU FEAR BEING REJECTED



If Fear is felt, become more loving,
Take a few steps towards each other,
Everybody fears, not only you,
you wait someday someone will come,
to love you, but no one will,
because the other also fears.
And where there is fear, there is no love.
People who fear,  fear of one thing,
The fear of rejection,
Women never take a step, for they fear more,
They wait for the man, the man should come,
For they then have the power, to accept or reject,
Many wait for whole their life,
But love never knocks their door,
A person who fears closes the walls of the heart,
Such that no one could enter, no one could come near,
Love is not a problem, fear is,
Open those closed doors and let the rays of love come in,
There may be rejection, but why to fear,
The other can say  a no, but why to fear,
The other can say a yes too, there is a possibility,
But if you live in fear, you chose a life,
Where there is no love, no life……